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3 minutes ago, Shagger said:

 

Shall I grab a stepladder and explain it to you face to face?

No thanks, I'm very limited right now, it's very hard to do things when your this narrow. I'm feeling a bit cramped right now.

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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son. The son says, “Okay. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son again. Son says, “Okay, we were watching Stormy Daniels movies."
Dad says," What? At your age I didn't even know what dirty movies were." The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

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A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.
The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.
The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.
First they visit heaven. It looks pretty nice. Big fluffy clouds, angels singing and playing harps, everyone seeming to enjoy themselves. The politician is pleased, if a bit underwhelmed.
Hell, on the other hand, is magnificent. It’s the most beautiful place the politician has ever seen, and everyone there is having the time of their lives. It has a buffet table filled with delicious-smelling food, a beautiful garden, a pool with a water slide, a dance floor, a massage parlor, and innumerable other attractions. It makes heaven look dull and boring and comparison.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” says the politician, “but I think I’d rather go to hell!”
“Very well,” says the spirit. “Turn around.”
When the politician turns around, though, hell appears to be completely different than it had been less than a minute ago. All of the attractions are gone, everything is on fire, and the people are screaming in agony.
“I don’t understand!” cries the politician. “This isn’t what you showed me before!”
“Well, that was the campaign,” replies the spirit. “Now you’ve voted.”

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A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?" Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"

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Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..."

Why do Democrats always go to republican's garage sales? To get their shit back!

What do you call 1000 republicans at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

It's better to let someone think you are an idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.

Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?

If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason.

If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realizing the other person was born an idiot.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I must have a nice butt, because, every time I'm walking away from talking to someone they say "What an ass."

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel, but it takes up too much space in my freezer.

Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.

Marijuana is the gateway drug to taking 45 minutes to pick out which color Gatorade you want to buy.

There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups.

Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea. Real friends pick up a camera.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.

Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.

Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her

My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?

The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds.

I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Where did you buy your stupidity? Or was it given for free and you took an overdose?

Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

You're so ugly, you scared the shit out of the toilet.

You're so ugly when you were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back.

You are so ugly when you looked in the mirror your reflection walked away.

Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".

Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

Nurse: "Doctor why is there a thermometer behind your ear? Doctor: "Damn! Some asshole must have my pen!"

Go to Walmart and yell "Hey stupid" and see how many people look up.

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You are so ugly the EPA had every nuclear power plant investigated to make that you didn't come from a leak.

You are so ugly blind people hang themselves after seeing you.

You are so ugly it caused me to lose faith in goodwill towards all men.

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10 hours ago, Lamarr the strelok said:

A cop knocks on the door of a house. A 10 year old boy answers wearing fishnet stockings ,high heel boots and  has a dog collar on. The cop asks him if his mother is home and the kid says 'does it fucking look like it'?

Love it. Love everything about it.

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